Forgetting

3/18/2021 Ariana Durling

So they call intentional forgetting suppression. Like after a trauma or loss where you set an intentional, conscious goal to forget. Many of us have these times from our past that we want to block out. For years I was exactly the opposite. Through all my crazy antics of young adulthood I remembered all the stupid things I did, the embarrassing moments, the ridiculous times, the brushes with the law, bouncers, fellow concert goers, the risky nights of “after hours” romances, the dancing, drinking, etc. All for one purpose-to repeat these. Yes, to share my experiences, not only for laughs, but to keep them fresh in my own mind, because after all, those had been the best days of my life- hadn’t they?

And it was great for a long time. I shared these anecdotes with pride. It made me laugh, made others laugh or gasp at times. I know it made some people think less of me but I was never one to worry about what others thought about me because I was a free spirit living life to it’s fullest. And of course there is nothing wrong with that, except as I mentioned in a previous post, at times I did not always treat everyone with the respect and kindness I should have, and for that I am sorry and have in hind-sight asked my higher power to forgive me and give comfort to those I wronged. But none-the-less, I reveled in these stories and gained a large following. Friends or family would love catching up with the latest scoop. They loved living vicariously through my experiences. And I obliged, as it indeed proved I was not only the life of the party, but brave and uninhibited.

And don’t get me wrong, I am not in the least embarrassed by my past. I did do things that were stupid, illegal, dangerous, promiscuous, and all out crazy. But I also had so many times of laughter, saw legendary concerts, saw beautiful places, did things some young people would never consider, but would later regret they didn’t try. I met hard working folks and people who care and love deeply about their fellow man in some places others would not have even gone. Many of these are still my friends today. I admit there are still times I will share a moment of my past with someone and still smile, but these times are getting fewer and fewer.

In my more recent past, there was one such fan of my yarns who always chuckled and teased me about writing a book about my life. He was the husband of a friend who I worked with, so we got to know each other and our families would be together occasionally at events or gatherings. We joked it would have made a great miniseries after being a racy #1 best-seller. He would always ask “What chapter would that be?” or “What chapter should this be?” And he even volunteered to help me write it. We of course knew this was just a joke between us and it would never come to pass, but the conversations were fun to have.

The truth is I was intentionally starting to forget these stories. As I began to grow spiritually and stepping farther and farther away from finding those types of experiences fun or even desirable, I found myself wanting to share them less and less. Not because I was ashamed, but because these things no longer defined who I am. They made me get to where I am, but they no longer were important to me to define who I was in this present time and I no longer wanted to relive them. I no longer thought of them as part of my worth.

Recently my friend passed away. He left behind his wife, 4 grown children and 5 grandchildren. His family was his life and his absence will leave a great void in his family and community. I can’t deny I shed tears when I heard about his passing. He was the kind of guy you would be hard pressed to find a reason to NOT like him. He was lost way too early. Because of covid I haven’t even been to see his family in person to offer my condolences. But after he passed it made me think about my own past and those stories.

I find myself more and more letting those experiences fade and I concentrate on remembering the joyous moments instead. The sight of my Grandma’s face as I sat next to her on the swing in the summer. The sound of my siblings laughing as we all played games on a winter evening. The smell of a stale cigar found on the seat of my grandpa’s car when we went for a ride to the lake. The laughter and joking of the cousins together on a road trip to the amusement park. The feel of my dad hugging me. My mother’s voice on the phone, when only your mother can soothe your pain. My husband smiling when I accepted his proposal. The sound of my son reading his poem he wrote for me, the cold tears it makes flow down my cheeks.

These are my new stories, but I only share them inside my own soul. And by forgetting the things that no longer serve a purpose within me, I make room for future “stories”. Ones of family gatherings, trips, friends and small joys of nature, sunrises, winds and trees. So here’s to intentionally forgetting if need be. Just remember to also let go of the emotions attached to those discarded memories, don’t allow them to pull you from within….they are no longer needed.

I hope you are growing and letting go of things that do not serve you in the present. It is rewarding and so important for growth. And no matter where you are in years-it’s never too late.