Memories

10/18/2021 Ariana Durling

So I typically take a walk in the mornings. It is my favorite time of day to reflect, meditate, pray. In my recent years I practice my mindfulness to be present in the moment. I do like to take pictures at times. The beauty of the sky at sunrise or a frog lounging at our garden fountain. But I maintain that the best pictures are those that you did not have time to snap, or were in such awe at the sight that you enjoyed that moment without one thought of preserving it for anyone but yourself. The deer family that is there when you round a corner and you stand yards away making eye contact and reveling in their beauty. Or the light as it uses the dew to outline every tiny spider web in the lawn. The beauty of a flock of birds as it calls out and amazes you with it’s acrobatic precision. These are the photos that some professionals wait years and spend careers trying to capture. I admire their fortitude and respect their causes. And I also believe the old saying…it never does it justice unless you are there in person.

I believe that about people and gatherings too. When I was a young lady the video camera was all the trend. My oldest brother and sister in law acquired one, as did my aunt and uncle. Every birthday, holiday or gathering we were all being taped for future generations to enjoy. Truth be told I was glad that was a passing phase. Looking back on those recordings I admit it was very endearing to see relatives and loved ones who may have passed away. To hear their voices again, their laughter and the interactions was wonderful. But then again the video made you remember all those details that really weren’t relevant to your needs. I think the best memories are those you choose. The best part, while letting go of the parts that do not serve you. Maybe the taunting a sibling gave you over your outfit, the frailty of an older relative struggling with their final days. My mind remembers the happy laughter, the hugs, the exchanges of joyful love. Sometimes the tapes makes you go “Ugh, I forgot about that.”

I was remembering today a few relatives I wish I had gotten closer to through the years. My dad’s aunts, Helen and Marge. Growing up I saw them at family gatherings, weddings and funerals. Had stopped at their house only a handful of times in my life. They lived together because Helen had never married but was a successful business woman in a local healthcare organization and doing well on her own when Marge’s husband died while shoveling snow during the blizzard of 1978. They had never had children and Helen took her sister in. They were only a year apart and it seemed from the outside as they got along wonderfully. I never heard anything different through the years.

This pair was so amazing. Every get together and gathering was brighter because they attended. Both were always impeccably dressed in tasteful pantsuits, skirts or dresses. Their hair always looked just done, their makeup perfect, their perfume obvious but never overbearing. They never forgot a name, they always asked about your newest endeavors. They never seemed to feign interest but seemed genuine in their conversations. They partook in some strong drinks at times but never once appeared giddy or aloof from it. They initiated a card game that all ages could play and it was always a highlight of our time together. I never heard a negative or disparaging comment come from either of them. I remember when Helen was faced with some derogatory statement she just crunched her face and said ” Oh dear, that’s too bad.” But never engaged in the negativity or gossip.

I found myself admiring them more as they aged. I remember them telling me how they looked out for one another. Helen was starting to suffer from macular degeneration, so Marge always read to her the mail she struggled with. She had a machine that would magnify things but sometimes that was not enough. Helen could choose meat better at the meat market so Marge would describe the marbling to her and together they could make the most delicious roast. Marge had trouble with her hands opening jars but Helen was still strong. They joked that together they were still able to be independent. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday with great fondness.

I knew these ladies of course. They sent cards for every occasion and we saw them throughout the year, but I wished I had gotten to know them better. Had visited more often. Had real conversations with them about current events, life, the history they had seen. I admired them so much, but as we are in our youth I was oblivious to the fact it would all end sooner than I wanted it to. I felt blessed that they knew my son and we did get some photos together to remember them by. They died a few short years apart, having lived to 89 and 92. And after the funerals we laughed and remembered these wonderful souls together. My memories are fond of this duo. I know they most liking star on one or two of my aunt’s old video footage if I ever feel the need to see their movements or hear their laughter again. But right now all those memories exist just like I stored them, just like I wanted to remember them. And they always make me smile.

I can’t go back and change anything. It is counter productive to linger on past mistakes, as it keeps us from being in the present where our minds and souls should be. But personal growth made me realize how much possibility I missed out on in my youth choosing to pass through the days so quickly and unobservant. I do give thanks that I was connected enough to my parents with the sense of family obligation enough to attend these gatherings. Keep in touch with family members and at least not sever the bonds I did have. Even though I missed out on getting closer to these wonderful women, at least I did know them and benefit from their grace and style. For this I am grateful. Today I remember them with smiles and love.

I hope each of you can look back at things only to learn from your past. Do not dwell there. Do not beat yourself up over things you can not control. But use each experience to look at now and prioritize the people, things, gatherings that someday you will know made you a better person. Give love to the ones giving love and joy to you. Sharing life is the best part. The emotions and feelings are the pictures that I treasure over them all.

May you choose the best out of each day to be your memory for the future. Many blessings friends.