Time

Ariana Durling 1/21/2024

So I had been remiss on my writing. I had been remiss on my reading. For some reason since the pandemic it seems my motivation was waning. Time is fleeting. I began to feel pressure to find my motivation.

Is it because I found myself in a funk of sorts where I avoid my thoughts and my usual musings, or is a deeper disturbance about aging and finding myself now at the point of trying to decide just how I want to prioritize my days? It is difficult when one is frustrated with self-awareness. I pride myself on my typical honesty with myself and ownership of my flaws/shortcomings. I frequently do my self improvement exercises and look closely at myself to make sure I am growing and living in the positive light I have chosen.

But even those who are looking straight in a mirror can see a different picture than that which is really being reflected. We find subconscious blocks that creep up on us and leave us in a denial or in a sort of dark spot. You all have been there, whether you realized it or not. Maybe some event or trigger sent you there, but you got there none the less. Maybe something else brought you out, or you had to ask for help to get back. Either way it is important that you got back.

I knew I had slipped into a dark spot, but I chose to ignore it. I wasn’t really sure when it happened or what caused it. I help others everyday get out of their spots, but I was ignoring my own. I was letting myself become overwhelmed, which is something I hadn’t done in a very long time. I constantly advise my clients to keep their triggers and stress low. I prided myself on doing that for myself, using my self-hypnosis and meditation to keep my mind healthy. Why now, what was happening? The clock kept ticking and made me realize that I couldn’t just wait to get out of it. 

I needed to get away from the distractions, away from my places I was allowing myself to become complacent with my growth. So I booked a flight and I left the state for a place from my past. 

Funny how I would not recommend this method to my clients, but I have to admit it really was the spark I needed. It didn’t matter where it was, I was met with smiles, laughter and love from people I have known for many years. We don’t see each other in person often, but we enjoy the company when we are together. It was simple comradery and it was joyous. It was only for 5 days, but it felt like much longer. There was no one expecting anything from me, no one to take care of, no distractions. It was time to relax, read, meditate and pray. Time is fleeting and sometimes deceiving. 

My husband and son were so understanding. This is where I was blessed. Having guys who love me and allow me space for growth. I hope that I allow them the same considerations. I try to make sure we communicate freely. That is so important in all relationships-telling others what we need, and why. It can be humbling and difficult, but it is definitely a must.

So I have been home about 2 weeks. I was refreshed and settling back into my routine. Today I spent time with my mom and 2 aunts. Since the death of my dad and his brother in 2014, we try to get together monthly for lunch, at the very least. We honor their memories and make sure we stay connected. 

Such a simple day, we met, we shared a meal and talked, laughed and planned future happenings. So simple but so important. The days keep passing and we never never know how much time we have left. I decided my funk was from not prioritizing these important meetings over anything else. I stopped on my drive home to admire the sky, the sun as it drifted to the horizon, and watch a flock of birds flying over a snowy woods. My joy is back. My motivation is back. My longing to be simpler is back.

I realize now that in my haste to do “business”, be too many things for others, trying to please everyone, and not saying “no” more often, I had let myself lose track of what I enjoyed the most- simple pleasures of a good book, a good visit with a loved one, walking in the woods, watching nature, watching the sky, sitting quietly with myself.

The old saying goes- Practice what you preach. Well, I have to admit I really needed that advice. So I wrote it on a note and will look at it frequently.

Don’t be ashamed when you find yourself off track friends. Just find someone who will walk with you until you find yourself back on course. 

Blessings all. Wishing you joy and peace!